Its my 50th post today. There isn't something so great to be posting about. It's my dad's birthday. And I didn't wish him.
Basically after what happened 30th October, we haven't spoken a word. Not like we speak so much last time, but things were turning out to be different before that, I made so much effort to let him know that I cared, I told him when I was leaving for school, and when I'd be back. I asked him if he had eaten, etc. And when he was sleeping when I left for school, I left him small notes telling him when I'd be back and said 'Have a good day'. It was really so different.
But maybe it was my fault. 30th Oct, past midnight, close to 3am, I wrote him a letter, it was 1 page long, front and back. I told him how he acted that night, and how he had literally brought shame to us acting the way he did. I mean, I wasn't very harsh. I was really nice in that letter. I told him I wish he was a more responsible father, and took more initiative in getting to know me and what I liked or hated. Well, it was really long, and pretty emotional because it took alot from me to write that to him.
Next morning, when he saw that letter, he didn't say anything. We didn't exchange any words after that and one fine day, he got angry when I and mum were talking while watching TV. I knew it. I knew he had reached his boiling point. When he gets angry over trivial issues, I know thats it. So basically, he was shouting at my mum and all, and I just went into my room and slammed the door. In the evening, he started pin pointing about everyone to my mum. He told my mum that my granny is talking about him behind his back to others, and says my mum gives me too much space, or more like spoiling me! I was sleeping at that time, and I woke up because of him. I got up to say something to him, but my mum stopped me. That was it. One week later, he has spoken up.He didn't mention the letter, but anyone can guess how he felt about it.
I couldn't be bothered. I had to tell him how I felt. Well, I think it has been almost 2 months since he went to work, and he told my mum that he isn't going to go. Like we even care! He was never a responsible husband, let alone a father. My mum was the one always doing the stuff for me, from my studies, to my pocket money, to even showing love. My dad never participated in anything in my life.
I was going to make and effort to make the r/s between us work, but I gave up. I don't know if I still had hope on that fateful 30th Oct, but if I did, I don't have it anymore. I keep telling my mum not to talk about him and that I don't know him. That's true. I don't know who my dad is. And I don't want to know.
18 years of my life, I've only seen my family go through pain. I never saw a sincere smile because of my dad, it was all tears. My mum still has hopes that he would change. Well I don't care anymore. I don't have a father... I know I'm angry, but there is nothing that can make me feel better. There was one thing though. The father's day card I made for my dad. (Refer to June20th blog post) He had it stuck onto the big photo he had, and today, I walked past my parents room and I noticed that the card wasn't there anymore. I looked for it really hard, but it just wasn't anywhere... I don't want to know where that card is. In fact I don't want to know that man anymore!
I give up getting to know him and I give up on him! I don't want him to remain in my life anymore.
Basically after what happened 30th October, we haven't spoken a word. Not like we speak so much last time, but things were turning out to be different before that, I made so much effort to let him know that I cared, I told him when I was leaving for school, and when I'd be back. I asked him if he had eaten, etc. And when he was sleeping when I left for school, I left him small notes telling him when I'd be back and said 'Have a good day'. It was really so different.
But maybe it was my fault. 30th Oct, past midnight, close to 3am, I wrote him a letter, it was 1 page long, front and back. I told him how he acted that night, and how he had literally brought shame to us acting the way he did. I mean, I wasn't very harsh. I was really nice in that letter. I told him I wish he was a more responsible father, and took more initiative in getting to know me and what I liked or hated. Well, it was really long, and pretty emotional because it took alot from me to write that to him.
Next morning, when he saw that letter, he didn't say anything. We didn't exchange any words after that and one fine day, he got angry when I and mum were talking while watching TV. I knew it. I knew he had reached his boiling point. When he gets angry over trivial issues, I know thats it. So basically, he was shouting at my mum and all, and I just went into my room and slammed the door. In the evening, he started pin pointing about everyone to my mum. He told my mum that my granny is talking about him behind his back to others, and says my mum gives me too much space, or more like spoiling me! I was sleeping at that time, and I woke up because of him. I got up to say something to him, but my mum stopped me. That was it. One week later, he has spoken up.He didn't mention the letter, but anyone can guess how he felt about it.
I couldn't be bothered. I had to tell him how I felt. Well, I think it has been almost 2 months since he went to work, and he told my mum that he isn't going to go. Like we even care! He was never a responsible husband, let alone a father. My mum was the one always doing the stuff for me, from my studies, to my pocket money, to even showing love. My dad never participated in anything in my life.
I was going to make and effort to make the r/s between us work, but I gave up. I don't know if I still had hope on that fateful 30th Oct, but if I did, I don't have it anymore. I keep telling my mum not to talk about him and that I don't know him. That's true. I don't know who my dad is. And I don't want to know.
18 years of my life, I've only seen my family go through pain. I never saw a sincere smile because of my dad, it was all tears. My mum still has hopes that he would change. Well I don't care anymore. I don't have a father... I know I'm angry, but there is nothing that can make me feel better. There was one thing though. The father's day card I made for my dad. (Refer to June20th blog post) He had it stuck onto the big photo he had, and today, I walked past my parents room and I noticed that the card wasn't there anymore. I looked for it really hard, but it just wasn't anywhere... I don't want to know where that card is. In fact I don't want to know that man anymore!
I give up getting to know him and I give up on him! I don't want him to remain in my life anymore.
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