Is it selfish to want to be surrounded by people who care for you and expect nothing in return? Who aren't there for you just because they are expecting something else?

-

That was just a random thought. Its almost 2am in the morning and no, I'm not in bed yet. Well I was. I was watching all sort of shows and then finally watched OKOK tamil movie which wasn't so bad. I enjoyed all the songs in the movie, the comedy scenes and stuff. So as I was about to go to bed, something happened and I decided I'll stay up a little longer...

My last Sunday in church before I disappear for another 5 Sundays. Handing over things temporarily to S wasn't very easy. I'm still not sure if she got the hang of things and I don't want her to feel stressed about doing this. But I'll be back and I'll take over this again. I think this is the most suited ministry for me in church. And at the same time, I don't really enjoy doing this. There is just so much pressure sometimes and then there is also the need to live up to other's expectations. Sometimes I do get alot of satisfaction from doing what I do, but then there are times I get no appreciation at all. People think the behind the scenes is just so easy, but they just don't know. And then there are some who want to be a part of it, but not exactly do the hard work but just you know, be in front, and make it seem like they're doing everything. Well so far, no one has done anything to jeopardize what I'm doing because no one knows exactly what to do and how I do things behind the scene. And if I did leave for good, they will really have a hard time. Not being proud and all, but these members can be a little back ward and not very technical to understand all this. Which is a relief for me because it makes me feel important. Well, these people don't make me feel important at all, but I know no one can replace what I'm doing. I wonder if they'll realize that something is missing while I'm gone...

I am slightly feeling sleepy, but I don't feel like sleeping. Because most of the time, I have those really nice, sweet dreams, which I yearn for most to come true, but I know for a fact that they can be too filmy and the most I can do with my dreams is make a movie and not hope for it to happen in real life. Speaking of movies, I've often imagined myself to act in movies. I actually like acting. Back in school I was given plenty of opportunities to be in skit, drama, etc. And I knew I should have taken part in Stage Arts in poly, but I just missed it big time. And in church because no one comes up with any ideas for the church programmes for special events, I come up with most of the stuff and I end up taking the back seat as the director or co-ordinator when I really wanted to act. Things don't always happen the way we want them to right?

Graduation is on Thursday and I'm nervous as hell. Cause Dad is obviously coming and we both haven't spoken in ages already and how on earth is everything going to go smoothly? I invited Pastor as well so maybe things won't be so bad. And then there's mum. I always wish Dad paid some attention to me and by attention, I don't mean all that pointless screaming at me for things I unintentionally do. Cut me some slack please? Although he's more responsible now and changed for the better, I still don't like the compromises that I might have to make for the fear of upsetting him. Seriously?! 

Oh God. Now I'm upsetting myself talking about pointless stuff. Yes my post has been a little random today. But oh well, such things are always bound to happen when you have me around ;)

-

You! Yes you! I'm actually over you. So if you think I'd come and beg you, please just throw that thought away. Because I meant everything I said the very last time and you've totally disgusted me. So now, I think lesser and lesser of you, and very soon, even the memory of you will fade.